I want to preface this post by saying that this is an open letter to myself, my friends, my supporters, haters (if I’ve got ’em!), the universe – everyone. This letter is raw, emotional and 100% authentic. I appreciate your support in advance, as I’m sure you know, one of the most difficult things in life is to be vulnerable and let your walls down. What you’re about to read is me doing just that. And while it may seem a bit disjointed at times, I recorded the thoughts as they came to me in order to maintain their integrity and to capture the emotion that I was feeling as I was writing…
About five months ago, for the first time in my life, I decided to put myself first. Coincidentally, it also fell right around the time that I was turning 32. For me though, there wasn’t really a correlation, it wasn’t like one of those – oh crap, I’m in my 30s, I have to change! – it was more that I took it as an opportunity to reflect back on my life and what I had accomplished thus far, and in doing that, I realized that in order to better myself and continue to grow and succeed, I needed to start doing some things for me.
After making that decision, it was almost immediate that I started noticing changes in my life. I felt lighter, I felt happier, I met new people, my business started flourishing even more so than it was before. It was then that I realized that the universe is always looking out for us and is always looking to give back to us as long as we give to it.
One of the first things I did was started working out with a personal trainer, which has been transformative not only physically but also emotionally. For the first time in ever, the number on the scale doesn’t matter. This is a huuuge change for me. I used to weigh myself every single day. The number on the scale would dictate how much (or how little) I’d be able to eat that day. Not a healthy relationship with the scale – or food. I know that now and I knew that then, but it just was what it was. The first day that I met with my trainer we talked about goals. I told her that I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to create a healthy lifestyle for myself. I didn’t want to put any focus on the scale.
The trainer wasn’t it though. I also started going to the spa (weekly), getting my hair and nails done, and some other random stuff here and there. I essentially started saying “yes” to myself. To be honest, I’ve never spent so much money on myself before! We’re talking like an entire month’s worth of rent goes to myself. Every single month. Which is kind of insane! Especially given I live in Boston… 😄 But it’s not about the money for me – it’s an investment in myself. Can’t put a price on that!
Once I flipped the proverbial switch in my mind to start putting myself first, it didn’t take long for me to start seeing results. Not just on the scale, but in myself. My emotional state. My relationship with food started changing and my confidence in myself started growing more and more. The universe sensed it too and it rewarded me in many ways, including one that I never expected. It sent me someone that completely flipped my world upside down. This person made me realize that I wasn’t the person that I thought I was – I was actually better! And though I knew before that with every relationship you learn about yourself and about others, this one truly made me see that. But like with most things in life, there are obstacles and there are challenges and things are hard. Nothing in life comes easy, and though I feel like that’s probably the most overdone cliché phrase – it’s true. And it became very true for me. As I’ve come to learn, there’s a lesson in everything that happens in your life – sometimes it’s an easy one and you see it so clearly, and sometimes it’s not so cut-and-dry and you’re left with unanswered questions. Regardless though, there’s always a lesson to be learned – you just have to find it.
This time focusing on myself has enabled me to see the world in a slightly different light – a better one, in fact. And with that, I’ve been able to tap into something inside of me that I always knew was there but that I didn’t really know how to hone in on. Now this is where the story gets a little bit interesting…
For as long as I can remember – and for those that have known me for a while know this to be true – I’ve always felt very connected to the spiritual world. I’ve seen things, heard things and I’ve experienced things that are unexplainable. The intuition that’s been inside me all this time has started to surface in a much stronger way that I could have ever imagined. I’ve come to realize that I’m an Empath. Or, have empathic tendencies. This meaning, I can feel other people’s energy and emotions. It’s like they transfer to me and take over my own sometimes. It can be really exhausting at times because while I can feel the good, I can also feel the bad. Not really having explored this side of myself before, I recently started reading about it so that I can really understand what this means for me. Meanwhile, just trying to continue living my life – trying to be a better person, and trying to connect with others in a way that I may not have before. It’s been a wild ride to say the least!
While there have been some really great, eye-opening times over the last few months of this self exploration, there were (are) some really low times well. As I sit here writing this, I’m going through a tough time, and it sucks. I’m strong one minute and crumble the next. But what’s really amazing is that I have zero doubts that I’m going to come out on top and that it’s only a matter time.
They say that before entering into a relationship with someone, making a big move or making a drastic change in your life, that you should make sure you’re happy with yourself first. You should make sure you’re proud of who you are and what you offer. Because if not, and you’re looking to fill a void whether it’s with an addiction like alcohol or drugs or with a relationship, etc., it’s never going to end well. This simple, yet brilliant concept, has never been more clear to me than it is today. My life is amazing. I’ve always known this, but even more so today than yesterday. So knowing that, and truly feeling fulfilled in the life that I’ve created for myself is what allows me to pick up when things are hard and keep moving.
Some of you may have noticed that the last couple of months I’ve been kind of MIA when it comes to my blog and Instagram, specifically. And in all honesty, I was taking the time to actually live my life in the real world. Just because I didn’t talk about it, post about it or share it – doesn’t mean that I wasn’t doing it. I ate some wonderful food, traveled to some great places, enjoyed some really unique and fun experiences with people that I love, but all of that was for me. And while I’ll still continue to share some of the great things that I find in every day life… there will still be times that I may go silent on social. And now you know, that it’s just me living.
Right now we’re in a time where our society is making it seem “normal” to feel the need to paint this really lovely picture of our lives on social media. The truth is though, we’re all just human. We all struggle. Life is full of ups and downs, loves and losses, good and bad. And if it wasn’t filled with all those things, would it really be a life at all? So the next time you are mindlessly scrolling on Instagram – flipping through beautiful photos, lavish trips and delicious food – just know that there’s a human behind it all. One that has emotions, feelings and struggles – just like you.
In sum, I want to thank you for reading this and for allowing me to be so open. This is my pledge to you that I will always continue to be open and honest – using both my blog and my IG as my platform. Why? Because it’s important. Especially in this day and age. It’s important to be authentic and transparent about real life and about real issues because that’s what people care about and that’s what people connect to. So don’t be afraid to be your best you. Be bold. And if you need to have a good cry every once in a while, do it! After all, we’re all just humans here…